This slide show was part of Pa's Memorial Service and captures the essence of his life. His life of service and Christ-like love were recognized by over 400 people during the visitation time held the previous night. He and Grandma have far more than 4 children, 11 grandchildren, and 16 great-grandchildren. All those people are living proof.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
May 19: The Burial
I had never been to a funeral before. I don't think I had yet wrapped my mind around the thought of Pa being gone. As I stood with family members on the cemetery road in-between the grass and stones, I glanced into the back of the van where the coffin lay. I suddenly had a very powerful realization that Pa was inside that wooden box. Appalled at the thought, I immediately looked away as the fact settled into my mind. Pa was done with his body, and it was in that box. As a pallbearer, I happened to be in the lead on the left side, carrying the box to the proper site. For the whole event, I wasn't sure how to feel or react.
It wasn't until weeks later that I fully understood the meaning of the Maasai saying:
"Carry me, father, when I am young and when you are old I will carry you."
I was carrying Pa.
It wasn't until weeks later that I fully understood the meaning of the Maasai saying:
"Carry me, father, when I am young and when you are old I will carry you."
I was carrying Pa.
May 16: The End
-----------------
This morning (Sunday), Isaiah 45 was read as an intro to looking at Nehemiah's prayer before he went, as the cup bearer, to speak to the king of Persia to let him go to Jerusalem to rebuilt the city after 70 years of exile and after Ezra's more recent efforts to rebuild had been thwarted. I thought that Isaiah 45:5-12 contains powerful words and are especially applicable in our current situation where we might want to question the course of events that have led us here and the future that we must now traverse.
I am the LORD, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,
so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
men may know there is none besides me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other.
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.
You heavens above, rain down righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.
Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands'?
Woe to him who says to his father,
'What have you begotten?'
or to his mother,
'What have you brought to birth?'
This is what the LORD says—
the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:
Concerning things to come,
do you question me about my children,
or give me orders about the work of my hands?
It is I who made the earth
and created mankind upon it.
My own hands stretched out the heavens;
I marshaled their starry hosts.
If we ever find the need to question God or request a reason for our current state, this is a grounding instruction from God that we are in no place to query the Master and are in no condition to assume we know what is right and wrong, just and unjust. After reading these words, I thought of Matthew 7:11.
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Often we feel like we know so much and feel angry that life does not follow suit, when truthfully none of us knows our amazing lack of knowledge and the absurdity of our assumption. We don't even know the depths of our own sin, so how can we ever understand the abounding grace and love of God? Many of us do a good job of pretending, of convincing ourselves that we know what we need and what we should want and what we should do. But it really requires no knowledge, rather a simple question to ask God to give us good gifts. Then, the real challenge comes in accepting what God returns to us after we pray, in faithfully abiding with God when all the things of life overwhelm us with the message that God is not on our side. How long did Abraham wait? How long did the Israelites wait? How utterly long were those three days while the disciples waited after the cross? I think we can probably wait, too. Having faith makes it a lot easier.
There was a song this morning that I felt was very relevant. The first verse speaks of not fearing trials and that pain is what draws God near, it is what emblazens faith. It then repeats the words "And there His faithfulness is told." The fourth verse states "When I am weary with the cost, I see the triumph of the cross, so in it's shadow I shall run." I know everyone there in G&P's house is weary beyond words, so that verse struck me. The final verse is "One day all things will be made new, I'll see the hope You called me to, and in Your kingdom paved with gold, I'll praise your faithfulness of old." The idea that all things will be made new was very encouraging. This broken world will be set right, no more pain, no more evil, no more sin. At that point, I will finally see the reason for my entire existence and all the horrible things I had to deal with in life; I will see the manifestation of that hope that God called me to and my faith will now be completely tangible. At that point, I will be able to look back and fully realize just how faithful God was and continues to be. I think the most encouraging thing was the idea that Pa will be made new.
When Trials Come
When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told
Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow
I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good
When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it’s shadow I shall run
Till You completes the work begun
Till You completes the work begun
One day all things will be made new
I’ll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoL3wY4KwA8
Oswald Chambers said, "I think if I have an ambition, it is that I might have honourable mention in anyone's personal relationship with Our Lord Jesus Christ."
Think of all the people who can speak those words of Pa. God's timing and ultimate purpose are beyond any man's control and understanding, and yet He still is able to accomplish His will with us. Who could have imagined that Pa, the would-be dentist, would travel so far and have such an impact and further God's kingdom so greatly? From speaking with Pa in April, I have the impression that he feels he has done what God asked of him, and it is now time for others to continue. He has no regrets, only faith in God and a thankfulness for His never-ending bounty. Why should we not continue to be thankful? How many times did the doctors voice their amazement in his miraculous condition? How many good days did he have and how many family members visited? God is good.
-----------------
It was not until I received a phone call later that night that I realized I had been typing this email at the exact moment when Pa breathed his last breath.
This morning (Sunday), Isaiah 45 was read as an intro to looking at Nehemiah's prayer before he went, as the cup bearer, to speak to the king of Persia to let him go to Jerusalem to rebuilt the city after 70 years of exile and after Ezra's more recent efforts to rebuild had been thwarted. I thought that Isaiah 45:5-12 contains powerful words and are especially applicable in our current situation where we might want to question the course of events that have led us here and the future that we must now traverse.
I am the LORD, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,
so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
men may know there is none besides me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other.
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.
You heavens above, rain down righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.
Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands'?
Woe to him who says to his father,
'What have you begotten?'
or to his mother,
'What have you brought to birth?'
This is what the LORD says—
the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:
Concerning things to come,
do you question me about my children,
or give me orders about the work of my hands?
It is I who made the earth
and created mankind upon it.
My own hands stretched out the heavens;
I marshaled their starry hosts.
If we ever find the need to question God or request a reason for our current state, this is a grounding instruction from God that we are in no place to query the Master and are in no condition to assume we know what is right and wrong, just and unjust. After reading these words, I thought of Matthew 7:11.
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Often we feel like we know so much and feel angry that life does not follow suit, when truthfully none of us knows our amazing lack of knowledge and the absurdity of our assumption. We don't even know the depths of our own sin, so how can we ever understand the abounding grace and love of God? Many of us do a good job of pretending, of convincing ourselves that we know what we need and what we should want and what we should do. But it really requires no knowledge, rather a simple question to ask God to give us good gifts. Then, the real challenge comes in accepting what God returns to us after we pray, in faithfully abiding with God when all the things of life overwhelm us with the message that God is not on our side. How long did Abraham wait? How long did the Israelites wait? How utterly long were those three days while the disciples waited after the cross? I think we can probably wait, too. Having faith makes it a lot easier.
There was a song this morning that I felt was very relevant. The first verse speaks of not fearing trials and that pain is what draws God near, it is what emblazens faith. It then repeats the words "And there His faithfulness is told." The fourth verse states "When I am weary with the cost, I see the triumph of the cross, so in it's shadow I shall run." I know everyone there in G&P's house is weary beyond words, so that verse struck me. The final verse is "One day all things will be made new, I'll see the hope You called me to, and in Your kingdom paved with gold, I'll praise your faithfulness of old." The idea that all things will be made new was very encouraging. This broken world will be set right, no more pain, no more evil, no more sin. At that point, I will finally see the reason for my entire existence and all the horrible things I had to deal with in life; I will see the manifestation of that hope that God called me to and my faith will now be completely tangible. At that point, I will be able to look back and fully realize just how faithful God was and continues to be. I think the most encouraging thing was the idea that Pa will be made new.
When Trials Come
When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told
Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow
I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good
When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it’s shadow I shall run
Till You completes the work begun
Till You completes the work begun
One day all things will be made new
I’ll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
I’ll praise your faithfulness of old
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoL3wY4KwA8
Oswald Chambers said, "I think if I have an ambition, it is that I might have honourable mention in anyone's personal relationship with Our Lord Jesus Christ."
Think of all the people who can speak those words of Pa. God's timing and ultimate purpose are beyond any man's control and understanding, and yet He still is able to accomplish His will with us. Who could have imagined that Pa, the would-be dentist, would travel so far and have such an impact and further God's kingdom so greatly? From speaking with Pa in April, I have the impression that he feels he has done what God asked of him, and it is now time for others to continue. He has no regrets, only faith in God and a thankfulness for His never-ending bounty. Why should we not continue to be thankful? How many times did the doctors voice their amazement in his miraculous condition? How many good days did he have and how many family members visited? God is good.
-----------------
It was not until I received a phone call later that night that I realized I had been typing this email at the exact moment when Pa breathed his last breath.
April 28: The Book
Pa gave me a stack of books when I visited Tennessee at the end of March. We were sitting at the breakfast table on my last morning there and I was asking him some questions. It seemed like his eyes got a bit glassy and that he wasn't really listening to me any more. I assumed he was having a hard time concentrating, so I ended my conversation without feeling ignored. He then got up from the table and walked over to the long bookshelf and started pulling books. When I thought he was drifting out of the conversation, he was actually thinking of books on his bookshelf. Pa enjoyed books so much, and equally enjoyed sharing them. His books always have his underlining and notes in them. After I left, Pa wanted to send me another book. When I received the book in the mail, it had a note written to me. Mom had told me the week prior that Pa couldn't write any more, so I was confused. As it turned out, he spend a great deal of energy and, with Grandma's help, he wrote that note.
-------------------
I received the book from Pa yesterday. I opened the cover and could not figure out when Pa could have written that note, since I didn't think he was writing any more, but the note was far too fresh a topic. Then I realized that Pa did write it within the past few days. Mom's note described how much effort Pa exerted in writing the encouraging note to me. I very much appreciate that sacrifice of precious time and energy, and very much cherish the fact that I have one of the last things that Pa will have written. It is hard to fathom those words, and I think that I subconsciously try to avoid thinking about them too deeply. I am so thankful for my chance to travel to TN and visit, as I was able to experience your house and the people in it. Not just that house in TN, but also your apartment in Indianapolis, since the dining room table and chairs will always give me flashbacks of one of your homes from the past. I enjoyed seeing aunts and uncles and seeing them all together, as that always adds such an immense richness to the relationships and the time spent together. I still believe that proximity is a blessing in itself, and that simply being in someone's presence is uplifting and fulfilling. It is amazing how much more vibrant a relationship can be when the outside distractions are taken away. I know Aunt Donna has been very busy, and I know that everyone else is also very distracted with plans, thoughts, and fears, so I feel privileged to have been there with no distraction and the full capacity to experience the closeness of everyone.
We cancelled our subscription to cable last week, and it has been an interesting adjustment. I can't just sit down in front of the TV any more. I actually have to think about something to do. For the past two nights, Amy and I actually sat down and talked. Imagine that, talking. It is interesting what you can do with distractions removed.
We changed our bedtime routine tonight to include a group session of hymn-singing. Instead of Amy reading a book from the Little House on the Prairie series to Emma and Evelyn while I read and then sing to Eli (while Elizabeth wanders around from room to room, usually settling in with the girls), we brought everyone into Eli and Elizabeth's room to sing. Eli likes "Come thou fountain of blessing" so we sang that one. He does know some of the words, and was excited to sing. Emma and Evelyn were engaged as well. I could tell that Emma really wanted to sing, but just didn't know the tunes. She can read the words, but it's hard to participate fully without knowing the music. I'm hoping they will all pick up the tunes in a matter of time and repetition. After we sang a few verses from several hymns, we broke up into our separate reading groups. Hopefully, the group sing will work, at least for a while.
When I woke up this morning, I had the words of "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" singing through my mind. I was glad to have good words to inadvertently dwell upon.
Emma lost her first tooth today. A tooth had been lose for a few days, and today it finally came out. Just when I think that everything is routine, something changes and I realize that it isn't the past any more. The future has become the present, and I'm not sure how to accept it. Excitedly with the new adventure, or deflated with the inevitable new challenge that I now have to start learning a new solution along with the realization that my solution for the previous challenge really wasn't all that good. It is a world of mistakes and I get to add mine onto the pile. There can be no such thing as complacency and no luxury of routine. Something always seems to change, usually at the most inopportune time when we feel the most comfortable with our preset conditions and outcomes, that requires us to put down all our daily trinkets and try to figure out a new method, like desperately working to pick up that last plastic grocery bag when your hands are already full with the other bags and you have to twist your fingers and undulate in odd ways to hopefully balance everything until you can at least get to the car. Then, when you get to the car you have to figure out how to put everything down, since it inevitably shifted in transit, so you end up setting the gallon of milk on your nice tomatoes. So that brief normalcy, one which took great pains to create, that you obtained during the walk comes to an end when you reach your car. Always something new to figure out, and always that feeling of inadequacy and the idea that "I just know that I'm not doing this the right way." As my thoughts are wandering, I see that I am turning to a feeling of hopelessness, an idea that I'm always going to deal with things that I don't know how to deal with, and that I usually will not have the energy to deal with them. Perhaps that is where I look for comfort in the fact that God is in control and that if I can pray and have faith that God does answer prayers then I should be okay. Also, having someone to help carry the bags would be nice. But the point is, I think we all probably feel inadequate and uncertain and unprepared for most of what life hurls down at us, and that if we are feeling comfortable and in control and prepared we are probably in for a fun surprise visit from life's good friend called change. Everyone's life is nomadic, always shifting and morphing, never letting you kick back and keep doing the same thing. Kids have to grow up. Parents have to figure out the next stage of a child's life. Kids have to figure out how to grow up. Adults have to figure out how to deal with the changes in their parents. Adults have to figure out how to deal with being alone in particular stages of life.
"Come Thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace" - this sounds like a person asking God to give them the vision and the energy to sing praise to God, based on a wisdom that comes from God alone, something that takes effort and does not necessarily come naturally
"Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, till released from flesh and sin, yet from what I do inherit, here Thy praises I'll begin;" - this world will always have pain, and we inherit problems and anguish, but we still need to praise
"here by Thy great help I've come; and I hope, by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home." - I have only gotten here by God's good grace and I have a hope that God will continue me through to the home He has prepared
"How His kindness yet pursues me mortal tongue can never tell, clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me I cannot proclaim it well." - we will never know how much goodness God gives us, we cannot speak it and will never be able to communicate its immensity
I do hope there can be a peace and a calm. It is amazing what can happen when there is no distraction.
-------------------
-------------------
I received the book from Pa yesterday. I opened the cover and could not figure out when Pa could have written that note, since I didn't think he was writing any more, but the note was far too fresh a topic. Then I realized that Pa did write it within the past few days. Mom's note described how much effort Pa exerted in writing the encouraging note to me. I very much appreciate that sacrifice of precious time and energy, and very much cherish the fact that I have one of the last things that Pa will have written. It is hard to fathom those words, and I think that I subconsciously try to avoid thinking about them too deeply. I am so thankful for my chance to travel to TN and visit, as I was able to experience your house and the people in it. Not just that house in TN, but also your apartment in Indianapolis, since the dining room table and chairs will always give me flashbacks of one of your homes from the past. I enjoyed seeing aunts and uncles and seeing them all together, as that always adds such an immense richness to the relationships and the time spent together. I still believe that proximity is a blessing in itself, and that simply being in someone's presence is uplifting and fulfilling. It is amazing how much more vibrant a relationship can be when the outside distractions are taken away. I know Aunt Donna has been very busy, and I know that everyone else is also very distracted with plans, thoughts, and fears, so I feel privileged to have been there with no distraction and the full capacity to experience the closeness of everyone.
We cancelled our subscription to cable last week, and it has been an interesting adjustment. I can't just sit down in front of the TV any more. I actually have to think about something to do. For the past two nights, Amy and I actually sat down and talked. Imagine that, talking. It is interesting what you can do with distractions removed.
We changed our bedtime routine tonight to include a group session of hymn-singing. Instead of Amy reading a book from the Little House on the Prairie series to Emma and Evelyn while I read and then sing to Eli (while Elizabeth wanders around from room to room, usually settling in with the girls), we brought everyone into Eli and Elizabeth's room to sing. Eli likes "Come thou fountain of blessing" so we sang that one. He does know some of the words, and was excited to sing. Emma and Evelyn were engaged as well. I could tell that Emma really wanted to sing, but just didn't know the tunes. She can read the words, but it's hard to participate fully without knowing the music. I'm hoping they will all pick up the tunes in a matter of time and repetition. After we sang a few verses from several hymns, we broke up into our separate reading groups. Hopefully, the group sing will work, at least for a while.
When I woke up this morning, I had the words of "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" singing through my mind. I was glad to have good words to inadvertently dwell upon.
Emma lost her first tooth today. A tooth had been lose for a few days, and today it finally came out. Just when I think that everything is routine, something changes and I realize that it isn't the past any more. The future has become the present, and I'm not sure how to accept it. Excitedly with the new adventure, or deflated with the inevitable new challenge that I now have to start learning a new solution along with the realization that my solution for the previous challenge really wasn't all that good. It is a world of mistakes and I get to add mine onto the pile. There can be no such thing as complacency and no luxury of routine. Something always seems to change, usually at the most inopportune time when we feel the most comfortable with our preset conditions and outcomes, that requires us to put down all our daily trinkets and try to figure out a new method, like desperately working to pick up that last plastic grocery bag when your hands are already full with the other bags and you have to twist your fingers and undulate in odd ways to hopefully balance everything until you can at least get to the car. Then, when you get to the car you have to figure out how to put everything down, since it inevitably shifted in transit, so you end up setting the gallon of milk on your nice tomatoes. So that brief normalcy, one which took great pains to create, that you obtained during the walk comes to an end when you reach your car. Always something new to figure out, and always that feeling of inadequacy and the idea that "I just know that I'm not doing this the right way." As my thoughts are wandering, I see that I am turning to a feeling of hopelessness, an idea that I'm always going to deal with things that I don't know how to deal with, and that I usually will not have the energy to deal with them. Perhaps that is where I look for comfort in the fact that God is in control and that if I can pray and have faith that God does answer prayers then I should be okay. Also, having someone to help carry the bags would be nice. But the point is, I think we all probably feel inadequate and uncertain and unprepared for most of what life hurls down at us, and that if we are feeling comfortable and in control and prepared we are probably in for a fun surprise visit from life's good friend called change. Everyone's life is nomadic, always shifting and morphing, never letting you kick back and keep doing the same thing. Kids have to grow up. Parents have to figure out the next stage of a child's life. Kids have to figure out how to grow up. Adults have to figure out how to deal with the changes in their parents. Adults have to figure out how to deal with being alone in particular stages of life.
"Come Thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace" - this sounds like a person asking God to give them the vision and the energy to sing praise to God, based on a wisdom that comes from God alone, something that takes effort and does not necessarily come naturally
"Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, till released from flesh and sin, yet from what I do inherit, here Thy praises I'll begin;" - this world will always have pain, and we inherit problems and anguish, but we still need to praise
"here by Thy great help I've come; and I hope, by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home." - I have only gotten here by God's good grace and I have a hope that God will continue me through to the home He has prepared
"How His kindness yet pursues me mortal tongue can never tell, clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me I cannot proclaim it well." - we will never know how much goodness God gives us, we cannot speak it and will never be able to communicate its immensity
I do hope there can be a peace and a calm. It is amazing what can happen when there is no distraction.
-------------------
April 19: The Song to be Remembered
I had just taken a new time-consuming, high-visibility job and was dealing with that transition as I continued to reflect on Pa's condition.
---------------
My new job is time-consuming and requires a lot of prioritization. I still feel like I'm not getting nearly enough done. Still, I am really enjoying it and haven't been frustrated or overly stressed out. Actually, I don't think I have been stressed at all. Concerned with many tasks, yes, but not to the point of fretting and losing sleep.
On the very first morning, I got to the office extremely early so that I could work on cleaning out old clutter and organzing for my own particular taste. I was the only person there. Before I did anything, I was standing in the middle of my new office, and I thought that I should really commit this job to God, and ask him to bless my time there. So I leaned on the office chair and asked God to take this job and that I would fulfil my role as a Christ-like example and that he would give me wisdom and good judgement.
We all want a fresh start, all too often it seems, and this was my chance to really have a new start. I was starting to get bogged down in my old job, unmotivated and without much drive. In one particular area, an "additional duty" as such tasks are commonly referred, I was very excited and very passionate, but my core job was unsatisfying and really hard to exert myself in pursuing. I never felt like I was "working for the Lord" as I should have been. I always felt lazy and sluggardly. Because of my disinterest, I didn't want to work hard and never felt like I was getting anything done. I just wanted to clock in and clock out, skate by until our next move.
So for the new job, I wanted to make sure that I started off properly. I wanted God to be in control, though I still don't know what that means or how to do it. I want God to lead me, even though I don't know how to figure out what that lead is. So I prayed for God to take this job and lead me where He knows best. I guess I should really pray that at the beginning of every week, or, better yet, every day, since it is easy to forget. At any rate, I feel like it has made a difference.
In about 3 days, I felt like I had been doing this job for weeks. Granted, I was spending a lot of time at work during that first week, but it seemed to be more than just time spent in the office. I felt very comfortable and at ease. I can feel something about this job and I know it doesn't have anything to do with me or my skills or my capabilities. It was exciting to experience, since I truly believe it was God's way of answering my prayer.
It's very subtle, and so I fully believe in Oswald Chamber's idea that God's voice is a very quiet whisper, and unless you are right with God and have ears tuned to hear, you will never even hear the call of God (again, not really sure what that is yet). So I was encouraged as I feel like God did answer prayer. I keep trying to remind myself that God has already taken care of the important things, my sin and guilt, so everything else is of little consequence and so easily and unwaveringly met by God.
I sang "In Christ Alone" to Eli tonight, and was again captivated by the final verse, especially as I think of Pa.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death": Though we have so much to be guilty for, it has all been atoned by Christ. That is the life that we now live (I have another chorus that really punches this idea home, so I'll try to remember it for next time). We have nothing to fear in death, and Pa has stated that he doesn't feel scared or uncertain. Perhaps unsure of what is to come, but he knows there is something and has faith that it is good.
"From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny": The words "Life's first cry to final breath" so well encapsulate our existence in so few words. Our first cries as we are born, and then our final breath as we die. What occurs between those two instances? Jesus speaks to us and calls us to Himself. If we respond, the knowledge is revealed to us by God and only God (if I understand the New Testament correctly; I searched for the particular verse that describes God as the only one who can give us understanding of God and salvation; i.e. the smart people don't understand because God has not revealed it to them). Sidenote: It's amazing to experience the effect of reading more of the Bible and spending time with it and how it makes me more interested in reading and learning. I wish I had this interest years ago.
"Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand": We all wish that we could experience the "Till he returns" ending of the story, but most likely we will participate in the "calls me home" finale. Either way, the power of Christ should root us firmly in God. It is encouraging to see how steadfast Pa and Grandma are and how unshaken they endure.
Here are the words:
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Song on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=ENtL_li4GbE&feature=related
We were built to sing. God made us so that we would long to sing. So much effort wasted on singing that does nothing but glorify man. Oh that we would all sing to glorify God. One thing led to another, and I found myself cycling through YouTube: Beatiful One, Here I am to Worship, Lord I Life Your Name on High, How Deep the Father's Love for Us, There is a Hope so Sure.
---------------
Though I did not know it at the time, Pa would enjoy this song so much that he would request it to be sung at his burial. It was.
---------------
My new job is time-consuming and requires a lot of prioritization. I still feel like I'm not getting nearly enough done. Still, I am really enjoying it and haven't been frustrated or overly stressed out. Actually, I don't think I have been stressed at all. Concerned with many tasks, yes, but not to the point of fretting and losing sleep.
On the very first morning, I got to the office extremely early so that I could work on cleaning out old clutter and organzing for my own particular taste. I was the only person there. Before I did anything, I was standing in the middle of my new office, and I thought that I should really commit this job to God, and ask him to bless my time there. So I leaned on the office chair and asked God to take this job and that I would fulfil my role as a Christ-like example and that he would give me wisdom and good judgement.
We all want a fresh start, all too often it seems, and this was my chance to really have a new start. I was starting to get bogged down in my old job, unmotivated and without much drive. In one particular area, an "additional duty" as such tasks are commonly referred, I was very excited and very passionate, but my core job was unsatisfying and really hard to exert myself in pursuing. I never felt like I was "working for the Lord" as I should have been. I always felt lazy and sluggardly. Because of my disinterest, I didn't want to work hard and never felt like I was getting anything done. I just wanted to clock in and clock out, skate by until our next move.
So for the new job, I wanted to make sure that I started off properly. I wanted God to be in control, though I still don't know what that means or how to do it. I want God to lead me, even though I don't know how to figure out what that lead is. So I prayed for God to take this job and lead me where He knows best. I guess I should really pray that at the beginning of every week, or, better yet, every day, since it is easy to forget. At any rate, I feel like it has made a difference.
In about 3 days, I felt like I had been doing this job for weeks. Granted, I was spending a lot of time at work during that first week, but it seemed to be more than just time spent in the office. I felt very comfortable and at ease. I can feel something about this job and I know it doesn't have anything to do with me or my skills or my capabilities. It was exciting to experience, since I truly believe it was God's way of answering my prayer.
It's very subtle, and so I fully believe in Oswald Chamber's idea that God's voice is a very quiet whisper, and unless you are right with God and have ears tuned to hear, you will never even hear the call of God (again, not really sure what that is yet). So I was encouraged as I feel like God did answer prayer. I keep trying to remind myself that God has already taken care of the important things, my sin and guilt, so everything else is of little consequence and so easily and unwaveringly met by God.
I sang "In Christ Alone" to Eli tonight, and was again captivated by the final verse, especially as I think of Pa.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death": Though we have so much to be guilty for, it has all been atoned by Christ. That is the life that we now live (I have another chorus that really punches this idea home, so I'll try to remember it for next time). We have nothing to fear in death, and Pa has stated that he doesn't feel scared or uncertain. Perhaps unsure of what is to come, but he knows there is something and has faith that it is good.
"From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny": The words "Life's first cry to final breath" so well encapsulate our existence in so few words. Our first cries as we are born, and then our final breath as we die. What occurs between those two instances? Jesus speaks to us and calls us to Himself. If we respond, the knowledge is revealed to us by God and only God (if I understand the New Testament correctly; I searched for the particular verse that describes God as the only one who can give us understanding of God and salvation; i.e. the smart people don't understand because God has not revealed it to them). Sidenote: It's amazing to experience the effect of reading more of the Bible and spending time with it and how it makes me more interested in reading and learning. I wish I had this interest years ago.
"Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand": We all wish that we could experience the "Till he returns" ending of the story, but most likely we will participate in the "calls me home" finale. Either way, the power of Christ should root us firmly in God. It is encouraging to see how steadfast Pa and Grandma are and how unshaken they endure.
Here are the words:
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Song on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=ENtL_li4GbE&feature=related
We were built to sing. God made us so that we would long to sing. So much effort wasted on singing that does nothing but glorify man. Oh that we would all sing to glorify God. One thing led to another, and I found myself cycling through YouTube: Beatiful One, Here I am to Worship, Lord I Life Your Name on High, How Deep the Father's Love for Us, There is a Hope so Sure.
---------------
Though I did not know it at the time, Pa would enjoy this song so much that he would request it to be sung at his burial. It was.
April 16: More Hymns
----------------
I didn't sing much to Eli tonight since it was late. Eli enjoyed singing along to "Joy to the World." He particularly likes the "heaven and nature sing" triple play at the end of each verse, and sings quite charismatically.
I have always liked the hymn "It is Well With My Soul," and, though I didn't even sing it tonight, I looked at the lyrics on http://nethymnal.org. Horatio Spafford wrote these lyrics after the great Chicago fire of October 1871 destroyed his wealthy buisness and then shortly after all four of his daughters died when their boat collided with another while crossing the Atlantic. Only his wife survived. After understanding the history that brought this hymn into being, I can pull the emotion and torment out of the lyrics and really see the rock bottom of life. "When sorrows like sea billows roll." And yet still having the will to say "it is well with my soul."
"My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, praise the Lord." After repeating this verse several times, I developed a better understanding for the immensity of Christ's death. What bliss, indeed, for it wasn't just a portion of my sin or a recurring and temporary sanctification, but everything all at once. Praise the Lord that I do not have to bear it any more, and may I understand that more every day, that I don't have to worry myself over it and constantly berate myself with guilt. God has removed our guilt, and we don't have to be plagued by it any more. That is a very difficult thing to do, as the constant reminders continually tell me that I fall so short and have so much to be discouraged about. But it was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. I really like how the song crescendos at the end of that line, "and I bear it no more" and then peaks with "praise the Lord!"
I adore the imagery in the final verse: "the clouds be rolled back as a scroll, the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend." The unbelievable power and scale of this image, the sky tearing back and God himself descending to earth amidst a blaze of trumpets. I would imagine the noise to be deafening and the spectacle to be terrifying while also being exhilarating. I've tried to imagine what that would look like, but soon realized that it is outside the scope of my imagination, and that I physically can not picture it. The closest thing is cobbling together some flashy images from some sci-fi movies, but I still get a sense of "ho-hum" and not of grandeur. I have to imagine myself standing outside and suddenly the unimaginable happens and I am frozen in place, unable to belive what I am seeing. It is exciting, yet also very terrifying, since it completely breaks all my sense of comfort and natural experience. I completely understand how the Israelites feared the Lord and were terrified by his presence. We, as humans, are so dependent upon life as we have always seen it, so the things that are completely unknown seem to numb us with terror. Still, the music to this song brings out so much more emotion in these words, that it is really hard not to get very enthusiastic.
This hymn expresses sorrow and then it introduces the peace that comes with God's control. It is a continual encouragement as the verses progress, and by the end it leaves the singer feeling hopeful and renewed.
A few nights ago, Eli's Bible story was about Lazarus. When you simply read the stories without thinking, it's hard to imagine the real emotions and the real context. I find it interesting how the pictures in the kids' Bibles can actually make me think about things I never would have considered otherwise. I used to imagine Jesus showing up fairly emotionless, telling Lazarus to get up and walk out of the tomb, and then going on his merry way. But he didn't. He was overcome with grief and wept with Mary and Martha. He knew very well, I assume, that he was about to raise Lazarus back to life, so why was he so sad? The picture in his storybook Bible showed Jesus, very sad, crying with the women.
I don't think I had that imagery in my head previously when considering this story. Jesus was so tuned to the depth of human grief and sorrow that He could not stay outside of it. Jesus felt the utter pain of loss and devastation that we will all experience in life. Jesus felt that way too. Jesus wept bitterly at the loss of His friend and was completely overwhelmed when He saw how distraught and crushed the sisters were. "If only you had been here a few days ago". Just a few days... Did Jesus already know that Lazarus had died, or was it a shock when He first arrived? Did He spend those extra days teaching without knowing God's plan the whole time? Or did He spend those four days with the thought, "oh yeah, I'll have to raise Lazarus from the dead, I'd better get going." Dad made a fantastic comment while I was recently in North Carolina that I had never fully considered, and yet it is the center of everything: Matthew 24:36 & Mark 13:32 - "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Jesus might not even known when He would walk to the cross. Did He know it would only be 3 years after He started teaching? It could have been a decade or more, but perhaps He did not know, since only the Father knows. The fact that Jesus did all that He did without knowing specific timetables blew my mind. I always imagined that Jesus knew the exact agenda, as if He had rehearsed His whole life numerous times. Instead, perhaps He was "making it up as He went", just like the rest of us. Imagine that. Like I said, it blows my mind.
So, as I disect my thoughts tonight, I circle back to the point that Jesus Himself suffered the agony of experiencing someone's death and the great, heavy burden it created. Perhaps He didn't know that God the Father was about to tell Him to raise Lazarus from the dead (as I had always naively assumed). Either way, it reinforces the fact that Jesus has endured anything this world can give to us, He experienced the shear brokenness of this place. But, thanks be to God, that is why He came. Just as the pastor said in Lone Oak that Sunday I visited, we wanted to say "Lord, don't come, this burden is too heavy"; but on the other hand, we HAD to say, "Lord, come."
I'll list the lyrics now. I think that knowing the history of the song makes it ever so more poignant.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Refrain
P.S. If you haven't seen this website, it's worth a look. It's what I used to find the Bible reference in a few seconds.
http://www.biblegateway.com/
Example of viewing multiple versions side-by-side:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians&version=NIV;KJV;MSG
----------------
I didn't sing much to Eli tonight since it was late. Eli enjoyed singing along to "Joy to the World." He particularly likes the "heaven and nature sing" triple play at the end of each verse, and sings quite charismatically.
I have always liked the hymn "It is Well With My Soul," and, though I didn't even sing it tonight, I looked at the lyrics on http://nethymnal.org. Horatio Spafford wrote these lyrics after the great Chicago fire of October 1871 destroyed his wealthy buisness and then shortly after all four of his daughters died when their boat collided with another while crossing the Atlantic. Only his wife survived. After understanding the history that brought this hymn into being, I can pull the emotion and torment out of the lyrics and really see the rock bottom of life. "When sorrows like sea billows roll." And yet still having the will to say "it is well with my soul."
"My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, praise the Lord." After repeating this verse several times, I developed a better understanding for the immensity of Christ's death. What bliss, indeed, for it wasn't just a portion of my sin or a recurring and temporary sanctification, but everything all at once. Praise the Lord that I do not have to bear it any more, and may I understand that more every day, that I don't have to worry myself over it and constantly berate myself with guilt. God has removed our guilt, and we don't have to be plagued by it any more. That is a very difficult thing to do, as the constant reminders continually tell me that I fall so short and have so much to be discouraged about. But it was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. I really like how the song crescendos at the end of that line, "and I bear it no more" and then peaks with "praise the Lord!"
I adore the imagery in the final verse: "the clouds be rolled back as a scroll, the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend." The unbelievable power and scale of this image, the sky tearing back and God himself descending to earth amidst a blaze of trumpets. I would imagine the noise to be deafening and the spectacle to be terrifying while also being exhilarating. I've tried to imagine what that would look like, but soon realized that it is outside the scope of my imagination, and that I physically can not picture it. The closest thing is cobbling together some flashy images from some sci-fi movies, but I still get a sense of "ho-hum" and not of grandeur. I have to imagine myself standing outside and suddenly the unimaginable happens and I am frozen in place, unable to belive what I am seeing. It is exciting, yet also very terrifying, since it completely breaks all my sense of comfort and natural experience. I completely understand how the Israelites feared the Lord and were terrified by his presence. We, as humans, are so dependent upon life as we have always seen it, so the things that are completely unknown seem to numb us with terror. Still, the music to this song brings out so much more emotion in these words, that it is really hard not to get very enthusiastic.
This hymn expresses sorrow and then it introduces the peace that comes with God's control. It is a continual encouragement as the verses progress, and by the end it leaves the singer feeling hopeful and renewed.
A few nights ago, Eli's Bible story was about Lazarus. When you simply read the stories without thinking, it's hard to imagine the real emotions and the real context. I find it interesting how the pictures in the kids' Bibles can actually make me think about things I never would have considered otherwise. I used to imagine Jesus showing up fairly emotionless, telling Lazarus to get up and walk out of the tomb, and then going on his merry way. But he didn't. He was overcome with grief and wept with Mary and Martha. He knew very well, I assume, that he was about to raise Lazarus back to life, so why was he so sad? The picture in his storybook Bible showed Jesus, very sad, crying with the women.
I don't think I had that imagery in my head previously when considering this story. Jesus was so tuned to the depth of human grief and sorrow that He could not stay outside of it. Jesus felt the utter pain of loss and devastation that we will all experience in life. Jesus felt that way too. Jesus wept bitterly at the loss of His friend and was completely overwhelmed when He saw how distraught and crushed the sisters were. "If only you had been here a few days ago". Just a few days... Did Jesus already know that Lazarus had died, or was it a shock when He first arrived? Did He spend those extra days teaching without knowing God's plan the whole time? Or did He spend those four days with the thought, "oh yeah, I'll have to raise Lazarus from the dead, I'd better get going." Dad made a fantastic comment while I was recently in North Carolina that I had never fully considered, and yet it is the center of everything: Matthew 24:36 & Mark 13:32 - "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Jesus might not even known when He would walk to the cross. Did He know it would only be 3 years after He started teaching? It could have been a decade or more, but perhaps He did not know, since only the Father knows. The fact that Jesus did all that He did without knowing specific timetables blew my mind. I always imagined that Jesus knew the exact agenda, as if He had rehearsed His whole life numerous times. Instead, perhaps He was "making it up as He went", just like the rest of us. Imagine that. Like I said, it blows my mind.
So, as I disect my thoughts tonight, I circle back to the point that Jesus Himself suffered the agony of experiencing someone's death and the great, heavy burden it created. Perhaps He didn't know that God the Father was about to tell Him to raise Lazarus from the dead (as I had always naively assumed). Either way, it reinforces the fact that Jesus has endured anything this world can give to us, He experienced the shear brokenness of this place. But, thanks be to God, that is why He came. Just as the pastor said in Lone Oak that Sunday I visited, we wanted to say "Lord, don't come, this burden is too heavy"; but on the other hand, we HAD to say, "Lord, come."
I'll list the lyrics now. I think that knowing the history of the song makes it ever so more poignant.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Refrain
P.S. If you haven't seen this website, it's worth a look. It's what I used to find the Bible reference in a few seconds.
http://www.biblegateway.com/
Example of viewing multiple versions side-by-side:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians&version=NIV;KJV;MSG
----------------
April 14: The Emails Expand
--------------
Eli requested Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing tonight. He requested it a couple nights in a row, but he calls it "Fountain of blessing." I'm amazed at how he remembers words so well, even after only hearing them once.
The last verse struck me tonight. I guess the evening singing is my own form of meditation and thought.
"On that day when freed from sinning, I shall see thy lovely face." The fact of seeing God, arriving to the point that we all wish to see, no matter how fearful of the unknown it might be. I suddenly realized that Pa will see God, actually see and be near. Something so unfathomable and confusing, and yet suddenly so undeniably real. A strangely convincing thought, not one that harbors disbelief, but rather faces the doubt and continues to believe so strongly. Freed from sinning. Can you imagine it? No guilt, no struggle; ultimately, nothing to ever be sad about. Freed from sinning.
"Come, my Lord, no longer tarry, take my ransomed soul away." These words encompass the longing, the un-containable desire for God to whisk us away. In the Big Picture Story Book Bible, I read to Eli tonight about Jesus being carried away to heaven. What in the world was that like? Why didn't He just disappear? Why the clear spectacle of ascending to heaven? How utterly mind-blowing that is to think about, Jesus ascending to heaven, whatever and wherever it may be. I've heard the story so many times and never thought anything of it, simply because that's what God does; he makes people float up to heaven. But if you stop to think about it, there is no way to even comprehend it. How do you live after that, without being eternally perplexed and amazed? And to consider the second half of this line, where God does not come down and cure us of our sin disease and then take us away, He has already done that long ago and only needs to collect us. Why do I worry about so many pointless things? Why am I not more excited about this?
"Send thine angels now to carry me to realms of endless day." These words speak a hope that someone is waiting, expecting, no possibility of being lost. God sends angels to carry us to the endless day. If you think about it long enough, this is what every Christian should say every day, much like Paul spoke about. I'm glad to be on earth and enjoy the love of family and to be able to serve, but oh how I long for God to come collect me. How much greater will life be? So much more than we can even pretend to understand or long for. As humans we want the absolute best for our children, so it makes it a little easier to imagine the overwhelming excitement that God probably has to give that "best" to us. This is not to say that I don't like being here and want to leave early, but it reinforces the statement I made before: why do I worry about so many pointless things? The agonies of our daily lives pale so rapidly in the light of God's unsurpassed gift and future plans. We can take the bad things and say with hope, "I won't ever have to deal with this again," and be glad about it! We can take the good things and say with hope, "It will be so much better than this, this isn't even a glimpse," and be overwhelmed.
As always, here are the full lyrics.
Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.
Perhaps this is my own process of understanding and dealing with the situation of Pa's nearing death. I didn't expect for hymns to be therapeutic or so deeply insightful, but the words are impossible not to share. Every time I sing one of these hymns I absorb more of the words and feel the meaning and am overpowered by it. I think these recent emails are more beneficial to me as I simply process the thoughts that occur during the hymns that I don't fully realize; my mind undoubtedly ponders it but in such an instantaneous manner that I do not understand the depth until I slowly de-construct each word and then organize the numerous thoughts that develop from each word. Only then can I look and see what my mind has produced and fully understand it. I often approach prayer with this concept in mind. A single thought is so deep that I can't even translate it into words in my own mind (so abandon ALL hope of ever putting it into verbal words to deliver fully intact to another human). But here's the catch: God understands it fully, more deeply that I ever will, and it's my own brain! I'll catch myself trying to form a thought into words as to pray, but then quickly realize that I cannot, so I just think about it and project it toward God and assume, rightly so, that He understands my intent and what I am concerned about. Imagine if our brains are like a computer, able to process information so quickly that our consciousness cannot keep up, so much of the stuff we think about we can't even quantify or recall. I just had a thought: what if our new perfect bodies can! It would be amazing to truly understand every thought and have that level of deep communion with God. I've really fallen down a rabbit hole that I think it turning more philosophical than theological, but I guess it's really hard to separate the two, if you think about. Didn't someone call Jesus the greatest philosopher of all time? Much like the adage, "never do math in public," perhaps I should "never self-discover recessed and unrefined (and oft unrelated) thoughts in public."
--------------
Eli requested Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing tonight. He requested it a couple nights in a row, but he calls it "Fountain of blessing." I'm amazed at how he remembers words so well, even after only hearing them once.
The last verse struck me tonight. I guess the evening singing is my own form of meditation and thought.
"On that day when freed from sinning, I shall see thy lovely face." The fact of seeing God, arriving to the point that we all wish to see, no matter how fearful of the unknown it might be. I suddenly realized that Pa will see God, actually see and be near. Something so unfathomable and confusing, and yet suddenly so undeniably real. A strangely convincing thought, not one that harbors disbelief, but rather faces the doubt and continues to believe so strongly. Freed from sinning. Can you imagine it? No guilt, no struggle; ultimately, nothing to ever be sad about. Freed from sinning.
"Come, my Lord, no longer tarry, take my ransomed soul away." These words encompass the longing, the un-containable desire for God to whisk us away. In the Big Picture Story Book Bible, I read to Eli tonight about Jesus being carried away to heaven. What in the world was that like? Why didn't He just disappear? Why the clear spectacle of ascending to heaven? How utterly mind-blowing that is to think about, Jesus ascending to heaven, whatever and wherever it may be. I've heard the story so many times and never thought anything of it, simply because that's what God does; he makes people float up to heaven. But if you stop to think about it, there is no way to even comprehend it. How do you live after that, without being eternally perplexed and amazed? And to consider the second half of this line, where God does not come down and cure us of our sin disease and then take us away, He has already done that long ago and only needs to collect us. Why do I worry about so many pointless things? Why am I not more excited about this?
"Send thine angels now to carry me to realms of endless day." These words speak a hope that someone is waiting, expecting, no possibility of being lost. God sends angels to carry us to the endless day. If you think about it long enough, this is what every Christian should say every day, much like Paul spoke about. I'm glad to be on earth and enjoy the love of family and to be able to serve, but oh how I long for God to come collect me. How much greater will life be? So much more than we can even pretend to understand or long for. As humans we want the absolute best for our children, so it makes it a little easier to imagine the overwhelming excitement that God probably has to give that "best" to us. This is not to say that I don't like being here and want to leave early, but it reinforces the statement I made before: why do I worry about so many pointless things? The agonies of our daily lives pale so rapidly in the light of God's unsurpassed gift and future plans. We can take the bad things and say with hope, "I won't ever have to deal with this again," and be glad about it! We can take the good things and say with hope, "It will be so much better than this, this isn't even a glimpse," and be overwhelmed.
As always, here are the full lyrics.
Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.
Perhaps this is my own process of understanding and dealing with the situation of Pa's nearing death. I didn't expect for hymns to be therapeutic or so deeply insightful, but the words are impossible not to share. Every time I sing one of these hymns I absorb more of the words and feel the meaning and am overpowered by it. I think these recent emails are more beneficial to me as I simply process the thoughts that occur during the hymns that I don't fully realize; my mind undoubtedly ponders it but in such an instantaneous manner that I do not understand the depth until I slowly de-construct each word and then organize the numerous thoughts that develop from each word. Only then can I look and see what my mind has produced and fully understand it. I often approach prayer with this concept in mind. A single thought is so deep that I can't even translate it into words in my own mind (so abandon ALL hope of ever putting it into verbal words to deliver fully intact to another human). But here's the catch: God understands it fully, more deeply that I ever will, and it's my own brain! I'll catch myself trying to form a thought into words as to pray, but then quickly realize that I cannot, so I just think about it and project it toward God and assume, rightly so, that He understands my intent and what I am concerned about. Imagine if our brains are like a computer, able to process information so quickly that our consciousness cannot keep up, so much of the stuff we think about we can't even quantify or recall. I just had a thought: what if our new perfect bodies can! It would be amazing to truly understand every thought and have that level of deep communion with God. I've really fallen down a rabbit hole that I think it turning more philosophical than theological, but I guess it's really hard to separate the two, if you think about. Didn't someone call Jesus the greatest philosopher of all time? Much like the adage, "never do math in public," perhaps I should "never self-discover recessed and unrefined (and oft unrelated) thoughts in public."
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